Friends or Lovers
by SeanSnow
Summary: Fan-Fiction about Janet's office life at a TV station, where she works parttime (1977)
1. Janet Gets a New Boss

Joyce DeWitt in Friends Or Lovers  
Season One (1977-1978)  
Episode One  
"Janet Gets a New Boss"  
  
Int Office Building-Work Room  
[Janet & Susan is Typing. Bobby is Filing Some Reports. Mr.Manners, the boss, enters]  
  
Manners: Hello everyone.  
Everyone: Hi Mr.Manners!  
Manners: I have an announcement to make.  
Susan: You're going to fire me! I just knew it. These things always happen. I better go packing. Bye everyone!  
Manners: No, Ms.Landers, your not fired.  
Susan: Well that's a mean joke! First you fire me, then you hire me!  
Janet: Susan, I don't think he ever fired you in the first place!  
Susan: Oh, yes, he did! That ol' meany!  
Manners: HUSH UP EVERYONE! [Everyone Stares at Him] This announcement is concerning me.  
Bobby: Oh, you're going on another vacation that you're counting as a tax deduction!  
Janet: You do that, Mr.Manners?  
Manners: I only did that once! Besides, it was to good ole Italy.  
Bobby: It made the IRS so mad that it made Mount Vesuvius erupt!  
Manners: No everyone, I'm retiring!  
Janet: That's great!  
Manners: What?  
Janet: Not that you're leaving your post, no, not that. The fact that you'll finally enjoy every day, and every night with your wife sounds great.  
Manners: Oh, I forgot about that old bagpipe.  
Susan: Your wife is named Bagpipe Manners? That's really interesting! You know, I once had an Aunt Mary Christmas, except she hated Christmas. In fact, she burned all her presents one year, and it set her house on fire.  
Manners: What does that have to do with me?  
Susan: Is it supposed to?  
Manners: I'm getting out of here before you make it even worse! You confuse me to death!  
Susan: No, no, don't die!  
Manners: BYE ALL!  
  
[Mr.Manners Runs Out]  
[Bobby Comes Toward Susan & Janet]  
  
Bobby: Looks like you scared him off, Susan!  
Susan: I don't look THAT bad!  
Janet: Guys, who do you think is our new boss?  
Bobby: You know, before Mr.Manners, we had Mr.MacGuilcit. He was a mean one. In fact, I'm the only one still working here who worked for him.  
Janet: Wow! That's a feat.  
Bobby: It took $200 to bribe him to not fire me.  
Janet: What? You bribed him?  
Bobby: No, I gave him a small donation!  
Susan: Oh, I love donations. I remember when I made one for the cast of "Love, American Style"....ahhh..those were the days! I feel like singing...[Singing] Love, American Style! It's truer then the red white and blu-u-u-ue! Love, American Style, ahh I, that's me, and you!  
Bobby: [Singing Offkey] And on a star spangled night, my love. My love come to me! You can rest your head on my shoulder. And by the dawn's early light my love, I'll defend your right to trial  
Janet: [Singing] Ohhh Love American Style, ahhi'l, that's me and youuuu!  
Susan: That was so...so....  
Bobby: Lovely!  
Janet: Ahh..those were the days, Susan, those were the days!  
Susan: Remember "Green Acres"?  
Janet: Don't push it.  
Bobby: I bet this boss will be a snob, and really stupid, just like them all. In fact [Man Walks In] he's probably the stupidest of them all.  
Man: Excuse me.  
Janet: Who are you?  
Man: I'm Norman Smith.  
Susan: Excuse me, Mr.Smith, as cheif sectretary at WGTV, the ABC station of LA, what are you doing here?  
Norman: I'm the new boss!  
Bobby: You're the....the...new boss?  
Norman: Yes, and I'll let your comments slide!  
Bobby: Thank you...thank you!  
Norman: Now, who are you three?  
Janet: I'm Janet Wood...I work here part time as a writer for the WGTV news.  
Norman: Where is your other job at?   
Janet: The Arcade Flower Shop.  
Norman: Thanks, remind me to buy it.  
Janet: What do you mean?  
Norman: I like buying up things. I've bought a lot.  
Susan: Like what?  
Norman: I've bought the Hopeless diamond, a Farrari, five telephone stations, an island, and an elephant. And that was just today.  
Janet: An island?  
Bobby: An elephant?  
Susan: [Drawing] Little stick people, yah, yah, yah!  
Norman: Yep, I bought an island and an elephant. Poor elephant, the island is smaller then it is. Now, who are you two?  
Susan: I'm Susan Landers! I'm 27, young, exciting, and single. I make any date a fun date! [Draws a Mouth on Her Hand] Yep, she is! I remember I was with her during the summer of '76. She really does some exciting things! Only this gal can sing the theme of "Green Acres"-  
Norman: GREEN ACRES? GREEN ACRES!?  
Susan: [Hand] Yep, "Green Acres". It's sure the place to be! [Sings] Green Acres is the place to be! Farm living's the life for me! Land spreaded out so far and wide! Keep Manhatten and give me that country side! [Stops] Come on, join in guys!  
  
[Janet & Bobby Just stare at her]  
  
Norman: Susan, you're fired!  
Susan: What? Where else can I be a chief sectretary? How can these poor people live without my Pow Wows?   
Janet: Please, Mr.Smith, she is a little absentminded at time. Please forgive her, after all, this is the first day with these rules!  
Norman: Okay, you're unfired!  
Susan: That's the second time today! Everyone wants to fire me and hire me! I feel so confused!  
Norman: Okay....how about you, Mr.Holierthenthoughboss?  
Bobby: Oh, me? I'm Robert Leoand. I'm the weatherman!  
Norman: Okay, hello all. I have to be going now everyone. I have a date. You'll have to close up withen the hour, or I'll have to bite each and everyone of your heads off. Bye!  
  
[Norman Exits]  
  
Janet: That reminds me, I have to go too! Bye all!  
Susan: Where are you going?  
Janet: I'm going on a blind date my roomate Chrissy set me up on.  
Bobby: A blind date? Maybe it's our Mr.Smith?  
Janet: No way, it's not him!  
Bobby: Are you sure?  
Janet: 100%!  
Susan: Janet, do you always have to be so technical? With all those percentages, it's confusing for an average human!  
Bobby: Average...hahaha!  
Susan: Aww, thank you Bobby! I know I'm above average!  
Bobby: Agh...bye Janet!  
Janet: See ya guys!  
Susan: I'm not a guy.  
Bobby: I think she knows that!  
Susan: Well, it's best she knows! It would be terrible if I went in the womens bathroom and she came in and shrieked because she thought I was a guy! It's so simple, don't you get it?  
Bobby: Umm...ok.  
Janet: Bye guys, this time for real! [Waves]  
  
Int Apartment-Living Room  
[Janet Is Pacing Nervously. Chrissy Enters from Kitchen]  
  
Chrissy: Janet, whats wrong?  
Janet: Nothing...I'm worried about the blind date.  
Chrissy: Why?  
Janet: See, when I told the people at the station about it, they were joking around about it being my creep boss!  
Chrissy: He is.  
Janet: But of course he isn't-WHAT?  
Chrissy: See, I met him last week. He's a friend of the receptionist at the office I work at. And I found out he was buying the station, so I set you two up.  
Janet: One word, Chrissy.  
Chrissy: What's that?  
Janet: WHY?  
Chrissy: I thought you two should get closer!  
Janet: But he's so mean! He threatened to fire Bobby & Susan today, and it was in the final hour too!  
Chrissy: Wow! That's mean!  
  
[Doorbell Rings]  
  
Janet: Chrissy, what do I do?   
Chrissy: Hmm.....HIDE!  
Janet: Where?  
Chrissy: Hmm...in the kitchen!  
Janet: Thanks! [Runs Off]  
  
[Chrissy Opens the Door. Norman Enters]  
  
Chrissy: Hello Norman!  
Norman: Hello Chrissy! How are you doing today?  
Chrissy: I'm doing fine, just fine! How about you?  
Norman: I'm doing alright today. I just bought that station! Those people are so annoying, especially the one named Janet! So, where's MY Janet?  
Chrissy: Oh...she's in the kitchen.  
Norman: Okay, I'll go in there.  
Chrissy: No, no! I'll do it! THe kitchen is sacred in this house, only young grasshopper or roomates go in there!  
Norman: Oh...I tihnk you mean you don't want me in there?  
Chrissy: Umm..yeah I guess. [Laughs]  
Norman: [Laughs] Well then go in there and get her!  
Chrissy: Umm..okay!  
  
[Chrissy Exits to the Kitchen]  
  
Int Apartment: Kitchen  
[Chrissy Runs In. Janet is at the Table]  
  
Janet: Is he in there?  
Chrissy: Yes! We've got to do something!  
Janet: Chrissy! Not in the living room! And not with Norm!  
Chrissy: No, no, we've got to put something on you to make you look unfamiliar. [Grabs Paperbag] How about this?  
Janet: Oh no! Oh no!  
Chrissy: Oh yes, oh yes! [Puts Paperbag Over Janet's Head] [Yelling] She's coming in a moment!  
Norman: [Yells] Okay!  
Chrissy: Now, just ask cool and calm!  
Janet: What do I say to him?  
Chrissy: Tell him your face has been brutally burned in a fire that almost cost you your life and the life of your St.Bernard.  
Janet: I don't have a St.Bernard!  
Chrissy: Well he doesn't know that!  
Janet: Okay then, here it goes!  
  
int Apartment-Living Room  
[Norman is Sitting on the Couch. Janet & Chrissy Enter]  
  
Chrissy: Norm, this is Janet.  
Norman: Hello Janet!  
Janet: Hello Norm!  
Norman: Can I ask you a silly question?  
Janet: Fire away!  
Norman: Why do you have a paper bag on your head?  
Janet: Umm...well....I just had an operation...  
Norman: What kind?  
Chrissy: A facelift!  
Norman: Oh...does it hurt?  
Janet: Sort of.  
Norman: Well....should we still go to La Paris?  
Chrissy: YOU TWO ARE GOING TO PARIS?  
Janet: No, Chrissy, it's a restuarant. And we can still go.  
Norman: Okay..then let's go! This is so great that you can still come! I'm gonna sing my happy song..."Green Acres is the place to be, farm living's the life for me, land spreaded out so far and wide"  
Chrissy: "Forget Manhatten just give me that country side!"  
Janet: Ummm..."New York is where I'd rather stay, I get allergic smelling hay! I just adore a penthouse view, Dharling I love ya but give me Park Avenue!"  
Norman: Hahaha this is fun!  
Janet: Yeah..it is!  
Norman: Ummm Janet, I think you need eyeholes in that bag!  
Janet: Oh, I completly forgot! How about you come into the bathroom and put the holes in?  
Norman: I'd love to!  
  
[Janet & Norman Exit]  
  
Int Apartment-Bathroom  
[Janet Gives Norman Some Sciesors]  
  
Norman: Why don't you take off your mask? It'd be easier.  
Janet: Well I don't want you to see me in my condition.  
Norman: Oh, I see!  
Janet: Thanks.  
Norman: Now..stay still...[Pokes Two Holes]  
Janet: OWWW! You cut off one of my eyelashes!  
Norman: Oh, sorry! [Pokes Another Hole in for the nose...and accidently cuts bag in half. Janet's face appears] JANET! JANET WOOD!  
Janet: Yes, thats me...wait a minute! You were singing the theme of "Green Acres"! That's a CBS show! Wait till I tell everyone!  
Norman: Please don't do that!  
Janet: Then stop being so mean!  
Norman: I will, I will! I'll let everyone do what they want, even if it isn't ABC! Now, is there anything else?  
Janet: [Gets Evil Look in Her Eyes] Yes.....  
  
Int WGTV-Office  
[Janet is going through the files with Bobby, Susan is typing]  
  
Bobby: When is Mr.Smith going to get here?  
Janet: He should come soon.  
Susan: He's a meany! He won't let me sing the "Green Acres" theme song! That's my favorite song of all time, right after "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"  
Janet: He'll let you sing that soon I bet!  
  
[Mr.Smith Enters, Dressed in a Hillbilly Outfit]  
  
Norman: Hello, y'all! Got any possum stew?  
Janet: No..no...We don't.  
Norman: Y'all sure? Remember, dis be a Filmways Presentation!  
Bobby: You're....you're....[Starts Laughing]  
Susan: This is funnier then Little Orphan Annie!  
  
[Norman Runs into his office while everyone laughs as screen fades]  
THE END 


	2. Janet and Susan Go Truckin'

Joyce DeWitt in Friends or Lovers"  
Season One (1977-1978)  
Episode Two  
"Janet & Susan Go Truckin'"  
  
Int Office Building-Office  
[Janet is Filing Some Files. Bobby & Susan Are Typing]  
  
Susan: Boy! This is a great thing I'm typing up for the TV!  
Bobby: What is it?  
Susan: It's on a sale at Sears!  
Bobby: Oh, that's incredible!  
Janet: What's the sale?  
Susan: [Reading] For every two shirts you buy, you get a pair of bellbottems for only $3.00!  
Janet: Oh, that's...fabulous!  
Bobby: Women...  
Janet: [To Bobby] Just go along with all that Susan says! You know she has the IQ of a woman in an institution!  
Bobby: You mean she didn't escape from one?  
  
[Mr.Smith Enters]  
  
Norman: Hello people-who-get-paid-less-then-me!  
Bobby: Hello Mister Smith.  
Janet: Mr.Ed is more like it.  
Norman: What?  
Susan: She said 'Mr.Ed is more like-  
Janet: is more like Frances the Mule!  
Norman: You people have very interesting conversations. Anyway, I have an announcement for Janet and Susan.  
Susan: Is it good?   
Norman: It's on someone's life story!  
Susan: Really? I hope it's on Miss Piggy! She's my idol, right after Elmo!  
Bobby: Oh brother.....  
Norman: It's on the life of the average trucker!  
Susan: I never heard of Average Trucker.  
Janet: Why do we have to do that?  
Norman: I want to get more in touch with the truckers.  
Janet: Most of the places they hang out at don't recieve of network!  
Norman: I know, that's why we're doing this to help ease their pain. I don't see how they live without "Happy Days" and "Laverne & Shirley".......  
Susan: Awww, they don't have their happy days? What about their good times?  
Norman: They have that.  
Susan: That's great! They're family still have good times!  
Norman: They don't have "Family" either.  
Bobby: Mister Smith, she doesn't mean the show.  
Norman: OH! I knew that....  
Janet: Sure, you did.  
Norman: Now, you and Janet will go immediatly! I already have a truck outside.  
Janet: But I haven't packed!  
Susan: Neither have I!  
Norman: You're not going to pack! Truckers get called out when they least expect it, and THEY can't pack either!  
Janet: Well, Susan, I guess we're off!  
Susan: To the...To the.....  
Janet: Truck!  
Susan: Yeah, to the truck!  
  
Int Truck-Evening  
[Janet & Susan Are in the Truck. Janet is Driving. Susan is Singing Cheerfully]  
  
Susan: 9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer! If one falls down-  
Janet: SUSAN!  
Susan: JANET!   
Janet: Why did you just do that?  
Susan: Well, you said my name, so-  
Janet: No, why did you just HAVE to sing that song for the last three hours? You went from 999 bottles of beer, all the way to-  
Susan: DARN! I forgot where I am! I guess I'll have to go back to 999!  
Janet: No, no! [Laughs] You can't do that! I'll have to throw you off the truck!  
Susan: [Singing] 999 bottles of beer on the wall, 999-  
  
[The Truck Slows Down...and it Stops!]  
  
Susan: You're not gonna kick me out! Please not!  
Janet: Oh no! We're out of gas!  
Susan: Then eat some beans!  
Janet: No, no, not that! The car is out of gas!  
Susan: Then open the hood and feed it some-  
Janet: NO, SUSAN!  
Susan: I have one idea left.  
Janet: What is it?  
Susan: Use the truck thingy.  
Janet: The whatthingy?  
Susan: That thing where you talk into.  
Janet: Oh, that's called a breaker!  
Susan: It broke something! It must've broken the car's gas! No wonder it smells in here, see-  
Janet: Will you shut up about that?   
Susan: About what?  
Janet: GAS!  
Susan: Then get out of the truck!  
Janet: WHY?  
Susan: If you have gas, I don't want to-  
Janet: No, no! Stop talking about gas!  
Susan: Okay....[Grabs Breaker] HELLO?  
Janet: Susan, don't do that-  
Man: [On Breaker] Hello, this is CaptainNDelila.   
Susan: Hello, this is....LaverneNShirley.  
Janet: SUSAN!  
Susan: Are you the captain?  
Captain: Yes, I am. And are you Laverne?  
Susan: No.  
Captain: Then your Laverne!  
Susan: No, I'm Susan!  
Captain: Then change your name!  
Susan: Alright...BoogieAngel?  
Captain: Hello BoogieAngel!  
Delila: Hello Boogie Angel. Is everything alright?   
Susan: Our car is out of gas.  
Delila: Then put beans in it! [Laughs]  
Susan: [To Janet] See, I told you so!  
Janet: Susan, they're kidding!  
Susan: Oh....I knwe that!  
Janet: Sure...Looney toon.  
Susan: Boogie Angel!  
Janet: Whatever.  
Captain: Girls, I'll be right there! I'll drop you off at Chickletts.  
Janet: Chickletts?  
Captain: It's a diner.  
Delila: Well, now it's time for over and out! I'll be over there faster then you can shout!  
Susan: 409!  
Janet: 409?  
Susan: Shout, 409?  
Janet: Oh.....  
  
Int Diner  
[Janet & Susan are Sitting at Two Barstools]  
  
Janet: Boy, we messed up this time!  
Susan: No we didn't! We found out about the lives of truckers that are stranded!  
Janet: What will that do us?  
Susan: Well, it should do something! We can do one on judgements...truckers may seem mean, but they aren't!  
Janet: Oh, I get what you're saying!  
Susan: You do?  
Janet: I know, it's a miracle, but I did!  
Susan: Aww!  
  
[Two Men Come Up to Them]  
  
Man#01: Hi! I was wondering if you two wanted to join us? Tonight is disco night.  
Janet: We'd love to join you!  
Susan: Yeah!  
Man#02: Then let's get on the dance floor!  
  
[Janet, Susan, and the Two Men Dance as Screen Fade]  
THE END 


End file.
